Most mornings I get up and do what’s called morning pages; stream of consciousness kind of thing that’s just for me. It’s all great and wonderful that I have my sacred journaling time, but I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts. I have a sense of urgency and excitement in my life that I haven’t had in awhile and that compels me to share and connect with people.
To put my own pain and struggles “out there” because I think unhappiness and frustration are universal.
And yet I do NOT accept that as a status quo. I do not accept martyrdom. I do not accept the voice that argues for my limitations. And it can be a strong one… in fact, I’ve even named that villain’s voice as Dr. Falcier, yes, the character from the Princess and the Frog. It’s a tool/trick that I use to help my clients process that sh*tty self-talk. It’s something I’ve learned from having my own coaches shine a light on that internal narrative that was holding me back.
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This morning I was journaling about how I feel like an idiot when it comes to QuickBooks and accounting terms. I have a gap in knowledge in how I can use this tool, but I was letting my shame about this take away from my confidence as a business owner. Old stories about how I suck at math and numbers means not reconciling my books for months at a time. Doing the bare minimum, which only fed into my lack of belief.
I wrote “I don’t reconcile because I don’t want to face my decisions. But I am done with that. Old Laura use to hide.”
And then it led me to this poem/essay about hiding, specifically how we hide from ourselves. I know myself well enough that when I’m angry or apathetic then those are signals that there’s something else going on; that I’m in survival mode and focusing on all the ways that I think I’m powerless.
Have you ever experienced this kind of hiding from yourself? Read on, my friend…
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all the ways we hide
apathy
anger
when we say “F*ck it” — it’s
an amalgamation of a giant wall built of
those two together
apathy + anger
like warning lights
flashing; noisy, emotional
sirens, screaming:
“You’re hiding from yourself.”
followed by:
“It doesn’t’ matter anyway.”
because it hurts to face
our self-created disappointments
hiding is much, much easier
… or is it?
when we have the courage
to look our own demons
in the eye
the opposite emerges
instead of apathy + anger
we get passion + joy
to get there, we have to
unhide
especially inwards
and, shit, there’s no
“TOP 10 EASY WAYS” for this
you can plunge, you can
meander, but you have to
find your way out of the
numbing
allowing the crests of
ah ha’s! to roll into
your being
unhiding is active;
participatory in your
life
a stepping into your own
culpability
with curiosity and belief and love
not shame
therein lies the trick of it
we humans like our shame
it’s comforting
it feeds the apathy
stokes the anger
showing up as:
How did I let this happen?
I’ll never figure this out!
What I want isn’t possible.
I should be farther along.
If only, they didn’t do that to me.
and the haze of
apathy + anger
continues
the unhiding
light years away
but somehow
nestled deep in
ourselves, lingering
and pressing against us
what is needed to
unhide?
hustle? discipline? punitive self-talk?
ha ha — NO
how do you stop
giving up on yourself?
*ding ding
fall in love with your
own worthiness
pounce with abandon into yourself and invite
playfulness into your
interior continent
unmask the you behind the you
behind the you that is buried in layers
telling us what we “should” be
slow down
excavate the cobwebs
look shame in the eye
and take away its power
be ok with the mess
breathe
manage your thoughts
revel in heart
do the things
the unhiding will give your
your answers over and over
no longer adrift in apathy + anger
led by the villain inside you
as you become
your own
hero
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In case you need to hear this, you are the hero. You aren’t powerless. You don’t have to listen to the villain’s voice.
If you’ve found yourself saying “F, it” when it comes to food…
If you’ve felt apathetic + angry at your body…
If you’ve been afraid to face your demons…
I want you to know, that you can say, “I do not accept that as the status quo.” And my specialty, my mission, is to help people become their own hero when it comes to food, eating, and their bodies.
This week I’ll be sharing more details about my upcoming Be the Boss of Your Food program that’s going to kick off in March. I created it for you to be able to let go of shame and build confidence around what to eat and how to take care of yourself.
If you want to be added to the waitlist, message me and say, “I’m curious” or “I need this!” and I’ll make sure you get the information, as well as an early bird discount.
Imagine going from apathetic, angry and defeated to empowered, knowledgable and confident. From sluggish to energized. It’s time to stop hiding from yourself… it DOES matter… because you matter.
Many hugs,
Laura
