Earlier this week I snapped at my mom in a really derisive, ugly tone, “I really don’t need the smart-ass comments.”
She asked me later what it was she even said that I considered to be the offending statement. Her comment was not meant to be unkind ~ it was actually even helpful ~ but I totally took it as a sarcastic jab.
As we were chatting about it later, I explained that what she said was a trigger for me around something I struggle with (in this case, time). In her well-intended statement, I heard:
“You’re going to screw that up.”
“We can’t rely on you.”
“We should’ve known that you would be the one to make this difficult.”
She never said these things directly, but that is how I interpreted her actually-not-snotty comment.
I call this a pain point.
What does that mean? It’s an area of your life that is emotionally tender for you or a road block to happiness that you keep hitting.
It’s like when you have a bruise and someone was pushing on it. Emotionally, it means when someone says something, your reaction is out of sync with the (perceived) injustice because you’re already anticipating and wanting to deflect the pain.
Take note of the word perceived because most of the time, the thing we’re reacting to might not even be intended to be unkind, but our response to it makes us feel defensive, so we lash out to protect ourselves and perhaps punish the person who caused it.
In my case, I was not ready to go at the agreed upon time. I know my mom is ALWAYS on time and has the mystifying capability of accurately estimating how long things are going to take; it’s a running joke in our family that I got my time management philosophy from my dad (which is “oh, relax, it’ll take 5 minutes, which it’s never just 5 minutes, right???).
So for me this time pain point is something that is always vaguely under the surface. Mostly, we just go through life getting stuff done, doing our thing… But the emotional bruise, the pain point, is there and it will come up when we have to interact with others or have situations that are OUCHY. Like when you disappoint your mom. #thatsucks
I ask, how do you react? Do you like your response? Do you blame, get sarcastic, defensive, yelly or maybe hide or ignore the emotion? … cause you know, those are all just easier, right? But are they?
I’m working on time and my relationship with it. I get an endorphine rush from doing things last minute and seeing how much I can complete. But it’s also not a fun way to live. I’m tired of creating emergencies and disappointing people. I’m trying to protect what is finite (time) without guilt ~ saying no to crazy client deadlines and giving my self some white space. It’s a work in progress because truthfully, I have an addiction to that rush; often prioritizing that OVER sanity and showering (#truestory).
One area that I have mastered is food, so that leads me to ask you…
What are your pain points around food?
I often hear these kinds of statements:
- There’s not enough time to prepare meals
- Menu planning is a pain
- Total overwhelm at all the different nutrition information
- Just have to squeeze in grocery shopping
- Everyone in my family is picky and no one appreciates my effort
- Don’t know how and don’t want to cook
- Only need to prepare for 1-2 people, and everything is for families
- I’ve tried so many diets, it never works
- Our sports schedule is whack
- I don’t want to restrict what I eat
- I’ll just go back to my old ways anyway
- I always overeat
- I’m too busy right now, so I just eat whatever
- All the stuff that is bad for me, tastes so good
- I can’t/don’t want to live with out [fill in the blank for you]
- I don’t have any willpower
NEWSFLASH! These simple statements actually represent your relationship with food. If you’ve ever said to yourself, I want to lose or gain weight and were not “successful” in your eyes, then you’re not just dealing with the logistics of calories in and calories out. Maybe you’re not walking around full of angst and frustration, but perhaps there’s something you wish was going in a different way.
Or maybe you’re saying hurtful things to yourself like, “I’ll just mess it up anyway.” Or “That’s not possible.”
Or if seemingly off-hand comments make you defensive. Those are all pain points.
What to do you do next?
Face it.
Acknowledge when you’re feeling icky, that there even is a pain point.
Realize when the statement you’re making is an excuse to mask something because of:
– fear of failure
– lack of interest in trying because it’ll be hard
– general overwhelm
Food is one of those things that used to be a HUGE challenge for me, but I’ve come to acknowledge and face my issues by:
1) Asking myself what it is I really want
2) Examining, without judgment, what I’m feeling
3) Changing my thoughts to reflect what I want
4) Doing something different until it feels right
No shame, no defensiveness… no lashing out. Emotional work + action = YAY!
I give you permission to not live in struggle, to let the bruise heal. Whether it’s food, money, time, or something else, this framework can be used to help you move past that pain point to a happy place.
Cause your *healthy* dose of reality is that you deserve it! And don’t say snotty things to your mom when she’s really being nice. ; )
