I intended to share some thoughts about conscious breathing today. I gave a speech on Tuesday on that topic and it was well received. But then Wednesday happened.
I had a really important meeting with my biggest design client that had been on the calendar for a couple of weeks. They have some big projects coming up, and I had put together a proposal for the working relationship that included scope, deliverables and pricing. I was supposed to talk more in detail about how I would act as a project manager and provide a justification for the rate increase in my prices.
I bombed.
It’s hard to explain exactly what that means, suffice to say that I walked out of that discussion with a client I’ve had a fantastic relationship with for more than 2 years and went into a total shame spiral for the way I handled it.
This is actually at the core of one of my main “stories” about myself that I struggle with ~ seeing myself as a successful businesswoman and entrepreneur. Everything that went sideways in that conversation represents the areas that I feel most inadequate around.
- Promoting my value
- Asking (demanding?) fair compensation for said value
- Explaining that my involvement is worthwhile because of the outcome, not because of the hours
This awareness is directly from work I did as part of the Rising Ever Upward workshop last summer based on the work of Brené Brown and led and taught by the amazing Justine Froelker. Everyone’s story is different, but we all have a Shitty First Draft (SFD) something we may or may not realize that we’re telling ourselves. And typically the SFD isn’t rooted in reality… cause the truth is I’ve had my own business since 2006 and been totally self-employed since 2011. But the SFD is there, nonetheless, and in this case it was played out in front of me. And it sucked.
Wednesday night and yesterday were rough. I yelled at husband who was (thankfully) patient and talked with me, even though all I wanted to do was hide and wallow in the shame. I tried to journal, but all that kept surfacing was feelings of ick… lots of regret and fear. It was not even so much about if I had damaged the relationship irreparably, but more so for being incompetent and not doing better.
So, how did this end? I don’t actually know yet.
What I do know is that I stopped to actively work through those negative emotions:
- I did not binge eat (always a go-to for me)
- I did not drink a bottle of wine
- I wrote a little bit
- Snuggled with my kids
- Woke up early the next day so I could listen to the next module in my health coaching program to fill my mind with something that makes me happy
- I wrote a follow up email to the client
I also re-read my reasoning for why I chose the word Bliss for 2018:
In the midst of what is hard, find the Bliss.
- What will come out of it?
- What will I learn
- What if I don’t do the hard thing
With this kind of attitude, I am actively shifting my focus from how shitty I feel to one that sees this circumstance as a learning opportunity. A few things:
- I will make sure I prepare more for any meetings that I have to discuss pricing
- I will do the Advanced Sales Manual as part of Toastmasters
- I will talk less and listen more
- I will continue to work on my mindset around sharing and promoting my work and services with joy
I think it’s much nicer when you get to choose to have a personal growth experience. It’s hard to “stay positive” (a phrase that rankles me for some reason), when you’re all wrapped up in shame. It’s hard to feel grateful when all you think about is, “why did that freaking happen?”
I could spend a lot of time blaming myself, but that’s so useless. But by no means am I letting myself off the hook. Even a couple days later, I’m feeling bruised, regretful… playing some of it over in my mind. What could I have done differently? Hopefully with time and an ongoing dialog with the my client, those thoughts will dissipate.
In the mean time, I’ll sit with them, but also invite:
- Gratitude – that I had the opportunity
- Peace – that comes from writing because it’s an outlet for me
- Hope – that it will work out
- Optimism – that I can continue to build and improve my sales skills
- Respect – for myself that I did something hard, even thought it wasn’t perfect
- Confidence – that even though I didn’t do this one thing “right,” it doesn’t encapsulate all that I am
- Excitement – because my choice at how to handle this shows a transformation in myself… and something I can share with others, so that hopefully you can learn something, too.
Think about something in your own life that you have shame around… process that. Is it a story you tell yourself that you’re not good at and never will be? What else could you invite in?
This situation happens to be something I can clearly look at and say, I wish it would’ve been different. But in all honesty, it doesn’t really matter if the moment is big or small. It matters more what you choose to get out of it and, even more so, how you re-write your story.
